Babies need to stop crying in public.

or is it just me?

A note to the reader: the below is satire; a literary work in which wit, irony, or sarcasm [is] used to expose and discredit vice or folly¹” and/or purely to make you chuckle. You may be offended.² You may also laugh. Be forewarned.

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The girl in front of me is watching the British war film, 1917, as our plane gains altitude. I peer through the crack between the seats ahead of me attempting to view the silent³ movie second-hand. The middle-aged woman to my left dozes off while the teenage girl to my right and I eat snacks in comfortable companionship.

Save for the low hum of the jets and the occasional crinkles of plastic wrappers, the plane is filled with peaceful silence. Silence.

Then, out of nowhere, the baby across the aisle begins to cry waterfalls. We’re talking so much, I'm beginning to think we're flying to New York to meet the baby’s second cousin, Niagra Falls.

And the baby’s poor mother! She was already struggling to travel with three little kids in tow, but now—now approximately half a million passengers are metaphorically shooting bullets at her with their eyes. This is terrible. For as we all know, people doing anything metaphorically or hypothetically is worse than in actuality, because then people can get away with anything and everything! Which is exactly what was happening.

The judging is happening in waves from the back to the front of the plane. The two-kid or no-kid advocates are smugly “proving their point”, while the a-big-family-is-a-really-good-excuse-for-a-sick-15-passenger-van conservatives were giving a presentation on why you should have 13 children. Because, “as you can see here, the problem with only three kids, is not enough extra ‘parents’⁴ to keep the little ones under control.”

Now, here’s the deal folks. This was, unfortunately, not a once-in-a-lifetime event. All across the Earth, we’re having the same crisis: babies crying in public.

This raises a few questions:

1. Why are the babies not seeing their therapists? It’s not like they have an excuse; studies show by the time babies born after 2021 have reached the ancient age of 32 weeks, they’ve already heard 1,000 ads for BetterHelp⁵. C'mon darlings, therapy solves everything.

2. Why are there so many of them? We have a population problem. And if two people who are living in a four-bedroom house have any children, more children in Africa will starve and the global-warming issue will get even worse because of the heat produced from the energy involved in waking Mom up at 1:00 in the morning for on-demand feeding. This is very scientific. And no, it's definitely not about population density or anything like that, just overpopulation. Trust.

3. Why are there so few of them? As much as some hate to admit it, we all have bouts of baby fever from time to time and besides, humans are going to go extinct if the couples in the US don’t straighten out and stop buying pets instead of children⁶. Have as many kids as possible, ignoring the health and well-being of each one, and the lack of babies in this world will be a thing of the past. Plus, you'll never lack caretakers in your old age! Two birds, one stone. Or should I say, ten babies, two parents⁷.

If you’re a parent of one of the above described potential waterfalls, please keep in mind the saying, “a watched pot never boils”. The practical application being of course, the general public will make you feel like your crying children are always your fault because you weren't watching them for 0.02 seconds. Don't feel badly, at least they go easy on the babysitter! (The record for babysitter watching laziness without ensuing crying is a whopping 0.03 seconds.)

And for the rest of y'all. Remember, next time you run into a situation like the one I had on the plane: stay calm, judge the mom, and don't you dare consider offering help.

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1. https://www.merriam-webster.com/dictionary/satire

2. I am aware some of the things mentioned are indeed quite serious topics, so please remember I'm not trying to make light of them or be disrespectful.

3. Asking to use one of her AirPods seemed a bit bold

4. aka the older children in whom you’ve already laid in the law and instilled a righteous fear of people who send their children to public school

5. Talk to your therapist about BetterHelp today! Side effects may include more therapy.

6. There is actually currently a sale on them. $3.99 in the clearance aisle at your local Walmart.

7. This is the ideal number.